Physics 101

Time for another blond moment. Tonite I barbecued pork cutlets. I had two bottles of barbecue sauce in the fridge so dumped one into the other. Of course, lots still clung to the inside of the emptied bottle, so, being the good "waste not, want not" kinda person I am, I put the lid on and up-ended the bottle on the counter to drain it all into the neck so I could then get the rest out and put it in the first bottle. So the bottle sat there while I cooked outside, and when I came in, the sauce was in the neck. Lucky me!

When I went to take off the lid and drain it into the other bottle, the air inside the drained bottle had warmed and expanded. This created a backlash of air that popped out when I lifted the lid . . . . causing the contents to explode all over me! I had red sauce in my hair, all down the front of my shirt - it was disgusting.

If I'd been thinking, though, I would have staggered out the front door and collapsed on the front lawn. With that much red sauce on me, I would have looked like a murder victim!

At least it didn't end up on the ceiling, walls and doors like the salsa did a year or so ago . . . just all over me!

Ouch!

Every muscle hurts! Ferguson experienced a really strong thunderstorm Monday night that took out my power for 33 hours . . . so what do you do with all that time with no electricity?

If you have a yard like mine, you're out cleaning up the destruction - limbs, twigs, and sticks!! I filled 5 of those 30-gallon paper sacks with that kind of stuff, still have one limb I need to use the saw on, and today's trash day. Well - the back yard had 3 bags full, plus the regular trash can in the garage. Today's trash day and with no electricity, I couldn't get the bags out of the electric garage door. Now, with power finally restored, I need to drag this stuff out, and am still in my pj's! Any doubts that I'm blond?

Physics 101

"A body in motion tends to remain in motion."

Ok - I've spent the weekend in the back yard raking leaves. How dangerous could that be??? While I was at it, I decided to hack off this darned vining thing on the fence that was threatening to take over the azaleas. I started separating out the bad stuff, cutting whatever held it in place, then yanking it free from everything else. Now, those of you who've been to my back yard know I have what seems like miles of "decorative brick edging" just about everywhere.

So, here we go! Hack, hack, yank, oops! It gave quicker than I thought it would. Amazingly spry on my feet, I spun around, stepped directly on the "decorative brick edging" mentioned above, took a couple faltering steps (all the while thinking to myself "no problem - I got this under control"), then gave up and let gravity take over. Yes . . . . I landed flat on my front! I know it seems impossible, but I missed landing on "decorative brick edging" branches with thorns, the rake, and the clippers. Although I found it incredibly interesting that a woman of my size, falling at that speed, would actually bounce! The wind was knocked from me, and while I lay there taking inventory, it struck me how hysterical it must have looked to anybody who might have seen.

So, I did what anyone in that position would . . . laughed at myself.

The Uninvited House Guest

Two weeks ago while working on the kitchen cabinets out in the garage, I noticed the bag of grass seed I bought awhile back had been chewed open. Of course, I immediately blamed the squirrels – little devils are into everything! Nothing’s sacred anymore! Anyway, last Friday evening, I decided it was time to start the stenciling on the cabinet doors and went out to the garage to grab one to experiment with. As I got out there and picked up the door – I noticed movement out of the corner of my eye and looked up just in time to see a nice, fat rat running for cover.

Actually, those are one of the things I am terrified of. I had one once back in the late 80s while living in Alexandria, VA. The nasty thing got into the trash can and I saw it when I dropped in a bag of old newspapers. Of course, my ex was away at training and I had nobody who could dispose of the vermin for me. So, I grabbed my handy 22-short pocket pistol and shot the thing – a few times. Ok, so I emptied the entire clip into the trash can. Amazingly, there was only one hole in the can when I was done, so it was apparent the rat got the worst of it. I was referred to as "The Great White Hunter" for a while . . . .

Anyway, back to 2004. As soon as I noticed the creature (I’m sure it was about a foot long or more), I got on the phone and alerted my son, Michael. I said, “Michael – I have a rat in my garage and NO GUN!” After poo-pooing my hysteria for a bit, he finally agreed to come over and lead the search party. We moved lots of junk in the garage, and he was armed only with a flashlight and spade. I, all the while, stood cringing in the corner. We finally decided it was a huge job – too big for a spade – and ended up going to the hardware store for heavy artillery – a rat trap. We baited it with a ball of American cheese and left it on a well-traveled route (you could tell due to the poop trail).

Long story short, it finally was killed sometime Saturday night (a good, clean kill – right behind its little ear) but I had to dispose of the corpse. (Michael had made it clear he had NO intention of doing this for me – I was being WAY too silly!) I managed to pick it up, trap and all, with the trusty spade and put it in a plastic bag. It now sits in the trash can, waiting for this morning’s pick up. I can’t wait to know it is finally out of my life! Be grateful I didn't include a picture of this!

Yes, I apologized to the squirrels :(

Science 101

I know that the burning question on everybody’s mind is this: Just how far can you spread two tablespoons of chunky garden pepper salsa? You don’t have to wonder any more – after extensive not-so-scientific research this evening, I can tell you – you can successfully coat the interior of an 8 foot cube. Not only does this stuff cling to horizontal surfaces, but vertical ones, as well!! Doesn’t matter if the surface is vinyl flooring, glass (such as found on microwave doors and windows in the wall), painted wood (such as a basement door), varnished wood (like the cabinet doors), tile (as found on kitchen walls), cotton fabric (such as my shirt), nylon fibers (such as are found in my throw rug), enamel (like the stove), and there may even still be some still clinging on the ceiling (not to mention the ceiling fan).

Yes, my friends, I beseech you – NEVER, EVER shake a jar of salsa unless you make darned sure the lid is screwed on tightly!!! Just remember - I did this for all of YOU - so you won't have to!